Post by Mary on Jan 7, 2007 23:10:35 GMT -5
Here's an article I saw on msn. I think some of the info. is useful, so I thought I'd share.
Just remember to never use charm in a way that will hurt someone or to be deceitful.
....................................
What They Oughta Teach in Charm School
By Jessie Knadler
True charm (not the schmoozy type employed by used car-salesmen and politicians) makes everyone feel amazing in your presence. It's also an utterly essential tool that helps you reach all your career, relationship, and life goals. Here, six ways to turn it on -- without turning anyone off.
Charm Lesson 1: Sweat the Details
When aiming to impress someone, your urge may be to regale your audience with thrilling tales of your exploits and assorted lovable traits. Instead of shining the spotlight on you, encourage others to talk about themselves -- then listen. "An inherent part of charm is empathy," says Brian Tracy, author of The Power of Charm. When you meet your new boyfriend's mother, rather than nervously recounting your life story, let her take the conversational lead. Then mentally file away information about her likes and dislikes so you can work them into the discussion later. She's crazy about Mexican cooking? What a coincidence, your tostados are to die for! This will get her on your side because -- hi, Oedipus -- moms want to detect a glimmer of themselves in you. Of course, your similarities should be real. You'll lose credibility for all eternity if she finds out later that you're actually allergic to spicy food.
When you're parting ways, wow her by referring to a random detail she mentioned earlier -- "Thanks so much for dinner, and good luck with those painting lessons." This will drive home the fact that you're not only a good listener but that you actually care enough to remember the minutiae of her life. As a result, she'll feel valued and appreciated, and more important, feel that you're worthy of dating her offspring.
Charm Lesson 2: Praise, Then Praise Some More
Your gut instinct when trying to get something (like a refund on an expensive but flawed pair of boots) is to go to the higher-ups and complain about the service. But acknowledging others, like the sales assistant who found your size for you, makes you seem genuine, a trait that's more likely to elicit cooperation and the outcome you desire (cash instead of boots). For example, by saying, "Your assistant was so helpful and attentive," you'll come off as less self-serving. "This shows that you're not an adversary but simply someone with a special request who recognizes everyone's hard work," explains Randy Paterson, PhD, author of The Assertiveness Workbook. As an added bonus: If your feedback reaches the ears of the assistant...well, don't be surprised if you receive special attention on your next visit.
Charm Lesson 3: Ego Stroke -- Subtly
It's one thing to turn on the charm when you're in a good mood. But when your cube mate spends all day on MySpace while you slave away on your joint report, killing her with kindness isn't quite what you have in mind. The key is to take your annoyance out of the equation and focus on your goal -- getting her to do her share of the work. Passive-aggressive behavior won't help you achieve your aim. Instead of resorting to snide remarks, forcing an angry confrontation, or ratting her out to your supervisor, appeal to her ego in a way that merely states facts. "Explain why she's needed for this project," suggests Laurie Puhn, JD, author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. Maybe she's great at reading the boss or excels at making boring stats come to life; whatever her skill, let her know it's essential. "When a person feels valued, she's more likely to want to do a better job," says Puhn. Just phrase your wishes as a request ("Would you mind looking over this report?"), not an order. Studies show that people are motivated when they feel they have a sense of autonomy.
Charm Lesson 4: Value Others' Time
Having a way with words is a charmer's trait, but so is brevity. For example, if you've asked to meet with your boss to request a raise, start by giving her a snippet of backstory so she can quickly figure out what you're there to discuss. "Orient her by saying, 'I've been working here for three years, and in that time I've accomplished X, Y, and Z,'" says Paterson. Then get right to the point: "I'd like a salary increase." By being direct and considerate of your boss's schedule, you present yourself as a savvy operator who is aware of her pressures and thus more worthy of a moment of her time. Another reason to keep it quick? You'll seem more confident. Justifying too much, stumbling over your words, and beating around the bush will mark you as weak, says Paterson, making it less likely that you'll be moving into a higher tax bracket anytime soon.
Charm Lesson 5: Think Like a Leader
Simply being informed won't charm (think Ann Coulter), but applying that knowledge in a way that potentially benefits others will (think Oprah). For example, if you're asked by a prospective employer why you'd like to work for his company, you might say that you're excited about the way it's utilizing new technology or commend the recent hiring of the CEO. This will go a lot further than a lame comment on the company's people-friendly reputation or lovely office space. "This conveys intelligence and shows you have an eye for detail, while also appealing to the employer's ego," says Puhn.
Charm Lesson 6: Make Niceness Your Default
Regularly treating people with respect makes them more willing to go out of their way to help you; it's a lot easier to work your magic on someone with whom you have a good rapport. Practice kindness everywhere: Take the time to chat regularly with your dry cleaner about her daughter's upcoming ballet recital rather than waiting until you need a rush job, or don't wait until you have a burst pipe before introducing yourself to your super. This shows you're able to put the happiness of others ahead of your own agenda.
It also gets great results from your nearest and dearest. When you show concern about your guy's job, friends, or his weekend do-it-yourself projects, he'll see you as dynamic and curious. Asking specific questions ("How did your big presentation go over with your new clients?" or "What kind of engine did you say you were installing in your old Chevy?") will help you gain a better understanding of what really makes him tick.
Smooth Moves Any Woman Can Pull Off
We asked Jan Hargrave, author of Let Me See Your Body Talk, for the tips even the least socially nimble of us can master. Promise -- this stuff works like a charm.
Go slow. A calm voice and relaxed demeanor put others at ease, and people are more apt to open up when they don't feel rushed.
Stay open. Crossing your arms and legs can make you seem standoffish and unapproachable.
Lean in. Angling your upper body toward the person you're talking to and maintaining eye contact draw her into conversation.
Adopt a Mona Lisa smile. A half smile is more intimate and less disarming. Julia Roberts' high-beam grin may be captivating onscreen, but in real life it can look forced and a little scary.
Mimic with subtlety. Mirroring someone's facial expressions fosters a connection.
Originally published in FITNESS magazine, October 2006.
boomers.msn.com/articleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=376452>1=8985
Just remember to never use charm in a way that will hurt someone or to be deceitful.
....................................
What They Oughta Teach in Charm School
By Jessie Knadler
True charm (not the schmoozy type employed by used car-salesmen and politicians) makes everyone feel amazing in your presence. It's also an utterly essential tool that helps you reach all your career, relationship, and life goals. Here, six ways to turn it on -- without turning anyone off.
Charm Lesson 1: Sweat the Details
When aiming to impress someone, your urge may be to regale your audience with thrilling tales of your exploits and assorted lovable traits. Instead of shining the spotlight on you, encourage others to talk about themselves -- then listen. "An inherent part of charm is empathy," says Brian Tracy, author of The Power of Charm. When you meet your new boyfriend's mother, rather than nervously recounting your life story, let her take the conversational lead. Then mentally file away information about her likes and dislikes so you can work them into the discussion later. She's crazy about Mexican cooking? What a coincidence, your tostados are to die for! This will get her on your side because -- hi, Oedipus -- moms want to detect a glimmer of themselves in you. Of course, your similarities should be real. You'll lose credibility for all eternity if she finds out later that you're actually allergic to spicy food.
When you're parting ways, wow her by referring to a random detail she mentioned earlier -- "Thanks so much for dinner, and good luck with those painting lessons." This will drive home the fact that you're not only a good listener but that you actually care enough to remember the minutiae of her life. As a result, she'll feel valued and appreciated, and more important, feel that you're worthy of dating her offspring.
Charm Lesson 2: Praise, Then Praise Some More
Your gut instinct when trying to get something (like a refund on an expensive but flawed pair of boots) is to go to the higher-ups and complain about the service. But acknowledging others, like the sales assistant who found your size for you, makes you seem genuine, a trait that's more likely to elicit cooperation and the outcome you desire (cash instead of boots). For example, by saying, "Your assistant was so helpful and attentive," you'll come off as less self-serving. "This shows that you're not an adversary but simply someone with a special request who recognizes everyone's hard work," explains Randy Paterson, PhD, author of The Assertiveness Workbook. As an added bonus: If your feedback reaches the ears of the assistant...well, don't be surprised if you receive special attention on your next visit.
Charm Lesson 3: Ego Stroke -- Subtly
It's one thing to turn on the charm when you're in a good mood. But when your cube mate spends all day on MySpace while you slave away on your joint report, killing her with kindness isn't quite what you have in mind. The key is to take your annoyance out of the equation and focus on your goal -- getting her to do her share of the work. Passive-aggressive behavior won't help you achieve your aim. Instead of resorting to snide remarks, forcing an angry confrontation, or ratting her out to your supervisor, appeal to her ego in a way that merely states facts. "Explain why she's needed for this project," suggests Laurie Puhn, JD, author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. Maybe she's great at reading the boss or excels at making boring stats come to life; whatever her skill, let her know it's essential. "When a person feels valued, she's more likely to want to do a better job," says Puhn. Just phrase your wishes as a request ("Would you mind looking over this report?"), not an order. Studies show that people are motivated when they feel they have a sense of autonomy.
Charm Lesson 4: Value Others' Time
Having a way with words is a charmer's trait, but so is brevity. For example, if you've asked to meet with your boss to request a raise, start by giving her a snippet of backstory so she can quickly figure out what you're there to discuss. "Orient her by saying, 'I've been working here for three years, and in that time I've accomplished X, Y, and Z,'" says Paterson. Then get right to the point: "I'd like a salary increase." By being direct and considerate of your boss's schedule, you present yourself as a savvy operator who is aware of her pressures and thus more worthy of a moment of her time. Another reason to keep it quick? You'll seem more confident. Justifying too much, stumbling over your words, and beating around the bush will mark you as weak, says Paterson, making it less likely that you'll be moving into a higher tax bracket anytime soon.
Charm Lesson 5: Think Like a Leader
Simply being informed won't charm (think Ann Coulter), but applying that knowledge in a way that potentially benefits others will (think Oprah). For example, if you're asked by a prospective employer why you'd like to work for his company, you might say that you're excited about the way it's utilizing new technology or commend the recent hiring of the CEO. This will go a lot further than a lame comment on the company's people-friendly reputation or lovely office space. "This conveys intelligence and shows you have an eye for detail, while also appealing to the employer's ego," says Puhn.
Charm Lesson 6: Make Niceness Your Default
Regularly treating people with respect makes them more willing to go out of their way to help you; it's a lot easier to work your magic on someone with whom you have a good rapport. Practice kindness everywhere: Take the time to chat regularly with your dry cleaner about her daughter's upcoming ballet recital rather than waiting until you need a rush job, or don't wait until you have a burst pipe before introducing yourself to your super. This shows you're able to put the happiness of others ahead of your own agenda.
It also gets great results from your nearest and dearest. When you show concern about your guy's job, friends, or his weekend do-it-yourself projects, he'll see you as dynamic and curious. Asking specific questions ("How did your big presentation go over with your new clients?" or "What kind of engine did you say you were installing in your old Chevy?") will help you gain a better understanding of what really makes him tick.
Smooth Moves Any Woman Can Pull Off
We asked Jan Hargrave, author of Let Me See Your Body Talk, for the tips even the least socially nimble of us can master. Promise -- this stuff works like a charm.
Go slow. A calm voice and relaxed demeanor put others at ease, and people are more apt to open up when they don't feel rushed.
Stay open. Crossing your arms and legs can make you seem standoffish and unapproachable.
Lean in. Angling your upper body toward the person you're talking to and maintaining eye contact draw her into conversation.
Adopt a Mona Lisa smile. A half smile is more intimate and less disarming. Julia Roberts' high-beam grin may be captivating onscreen, but in real life it can look forced and a little scary.
Mimic with subtlety. Mirroring someone's facial expressions fosters a connection.
Originally published in FITNESS magazine, October 2006.
boomers.msn.com/articleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=376452>1=8985